Getting Closer

I've packed my bag! 

Its just a "practice pack" to see how everything fits and determine if I need to add or subtract things, but I think it was a successful practice pack in that a) everything fit nicely, b) I pared down some stuff while I was at it and c) I remembered a few things to add to my kit.

One such item was Benedryl since I do have that pesky Halibut allergy and refuse to find out if it's actually epipen-worthy. An epipen would make me one of those weird allergic people who I secretly think are just weak. So I will arm myself with Benedryl so that I can eat unidentified fish with at least a scrap of confidence. (I've just given my Mom heart palpitations. Sorry, Mom!) 

While packing, my emotions were all over the place. I'm very excited. That emotion was pretty constant. But under it, there was a fair smattering of dread, knowing that Jai gets back tomorrow and I'll have to coexist on the same continent with him for at least 2 days before I leave. These thoughts invariably lead me to thinking of coming back from this trip when I shall have to deal with this issue full-time and without the glittery distraction of solo travel in Southeast Asia. 

As I continued to pack, I found this particular subject to be so overwhelming that I tearfully stopped what I was doing and sat and talked out loud to God, confessing that I didn't have the strength to handle this, or even the focus or presence of mind to remember that I could (and should!) rely on His strength to see me through.  Erg. 

This is a main theme in my prayer-life, visited and revisited, characterized by shades of need and hope. But at the end of the day, I do believe that God is bigger than my troubles, that he has good things planned for me and that I can believe him when he says he works all things together for the good of those that love him. Even in the midst of heartbreak, when I don't see how it's possible, I ought to be looking forward eagerly, fully expecting good from even this.

Part of this trip sprang from my desire to experience God in a new, deeper way. I'm going to work for two weeks at a daycare in Cambodia where they serve kids from the slums on the outskirts of town. The people running the daycare try to meet their physical needs and encourage them to grow on the inside. They feed them, they teach them to read and they tell them as much as they care and provide for them, Jesus loves them and cares for them more.  

In my world, so filthy-stinking-rich with relationships, possessions and opportunities, its hard to wrap my head around the difference it makes to know that someone out there loves you and promises never to stop. If your mother has to sell her body for money and your father is dead of AIDS or TB, if you sleep in a house made of trash and you are just one of thousands of kids in the same situation, experiencing this love might be the only constant, good thing you've got going for you.

So I have the opportunity to be an ambassador of this love which keeps hope alive. 

It would be easier (or at least cooler to talk about) if I just hostel-hopped for three weeks, hoping to meet interesting, adventurous traveling friends in foreign cities and on new beaches, but coming home from that trip would leave me right where I started...practically strangling on hurt and fear while furiously trying to stifle this illogical, contrary, misplaced love.

So in light of all that I have, in light of all that God's done in bringing me through this hard stretch and because I so seldom live out what I believe, on this trip I'll take the bible literally when it says "whoever is kind to the needy honors God." (Proverbs 14:31b)